I. Executive Summary
Reviewology is the quantitative study of municipal golf through the lens of a "miserable average handicap golfer." We ignore non-performing metrics like "customer service" or "pro-shop smiles." We focus on structural integrity, fiscal solvency, and the rate of psychological depreciation.
II. The Misery-Audit Framework
"Golf is a game of asset management where the assets are constantly trying to hide in the woods." — Fran, CFP
NBL Net Ball Liquidation
The probability of your $5.00 ball being permanently removed from your inventory by topographical ball-eaters (Johnson grass, 15-foot ravines, or suburban backyards).
Safari Exposure Risk
Measures time spent off-course versus on-course. High ratings indicate frequent encounters with bobcats, copperheads, or poison ivy while hunting for a drive that was "only 5 yards off."
H2-O-S*** Liquid Liability
Psychological trauma index for forced carries over stagnant municipal ponds. If the course is 40% water, your emotional solvency is at critical risk.
DMA Death March Amortization
Evaluates the "Endless Fairway" phenomenon. We calculate the rate at which your will to live depreciates for every yard over 450 on a Par 4 into a headwind.
The Zoomies Velocity Audit
Greens are evaluated on the Misery Spectrum: from "Unproductive Shag Carpet" to "Terminal Three-Putt Glass".
TKP The Kibble Premium
High TKP ratings are assigned when the green fee exceeds the legal limit for a course with dirt fairways. If the price requires a loan from the CFP's Bridge Fund just to play 18 holes of suffering, the misery score spikes.
III. Audit Verdict Scale
Low Misery. High Value. Fran may actually stop judging you for 5 minutes.
Standard muni degradation. You get what you pay for (which isn't much).
High-risk environment. 5.5 hour rounds. The "Bridge Fund" is actively bleeding out.
Immediate liquidation recommended. A total structural collapse of value.